一场梦，一场空。。。

昨天不知道怎么那么累。。 晚上十点就睡了， 睡到一半时又发了一场梦。。。 我们突然一起一家人出去一日游，回到kl 后，全部人进去家里面，我和你还留在车里。。。 你看着我，我看着你， 然后开始抱着对方。。。 我忍不住流泪，你也被我感动到哭了。。。

一直以来我都还放不下你。。。何况现在已有差不多一个月没见面了。。 哭了后，我们都笑起来。。 

我问了你一些私人的问题， “有没有去sauna 啊？” 你说有  ， “有没有和人家做啊？” 你又说有。。。 还说做了几次 （包括吊）。。 说是在 mandi manda 认识 的。。你还给了我那个人的名，可是我记不起来。。。

我变得很生气，很不开心，结果又吵了起来, 吵到全部人都在看着我们。。。

那么多天没见面。。。 为什么每次见到就会吵， 就连在梦里，也要和你吵。。你怕见到我，是理所当然的。。

今天才发现，你换了 yahoo password。。 你之前说没必要换，刚刚梦醒后想进去看看，可是进不到了。。 应该是有东西不想知道了吧。。 你的 hotmail password 却还没换，奇怪。。。

可能买了去哪里哪里旅行的机票，或者是你的 fridae acc 和人家的message 吧。。

每次想到你和别人做爱，我都会很生气，很伤心。。这个想法，已经有好几个月了，我始终还是放不下。。

比，我很想念你你知道吗。。。你的拥抱，你的体味，等等等等。。。

又爱又恨。。我真的好累。。。好累。。。

The process of recovering...

Actually, I feel like writing this post in Chinese, somehow it can express my feelings more accurately, but it doesn't matter anyway....

The last date I saw Beta was 15th of September... Until today it has been 17 days, since I last saw him, touch him, hug him and smell him....  Suddenly I'm being emotional again, and I noticed he has been getting really chatty recently on whatapps... I guess he found someone to entertain him at least...

He did text me few days ago during mooncake festival... Also he shared a song on his facebook "Against all odds", probably trying to send me a message.... I read through the lyrics and it was really touching, unbelievable for a guy like him to send me a message song (Beta is Chinese Ed and he seldom listen to English songs)


He doesn't call me Bibi anymore, now he calls me Jerry zai...  Apparently we still haven cut off our contact completely...

About Alpha, he had to put up with all the shits I gave him... I'm staying with him all this time in Puchong, keeping me company, comfort and hugging me to sleep...  In order to divert his attention away from me, I introduced him Naruto to keep him occupied...  I can't focus on Alpha at all, kept letting him down.... We barely have sex because I don't have mood at all.... Compare to last time, 3 times every week....

I'm trying hard to put my pieces back together.... Taking alcohol and some medicine to ease myself, this also affects Alpha because he knows I'm mentally stressed... Yesterday I sent a text to Beta, Alpha got really frustrated and we had an argument...


I guess its not going that well for me and Alpha also...  Seems like October is not going to be a good month for me as well.... I don't want to torment Alpha anymore, what can I do.....