Most men cheat....

I always try to understand why men like to cheat behind their partner's back... Despite knowing the consequences of doing those act, they still want to take the "risk" to satisfy their sexual lust...

You often hear people say "When you are young, go all out and have fun, go fuck around.. One day when you finally decide to settle down, find someone you love, stay loyal and don't break his/her heart" ... This statement is not true, because once a person have that kind of background, at most they will stay committed for 5 years, before going out to have fun again...

I had 2 interesting conversation with my friends long ago and this is what they said....

The first guy said this...

1) I understand men cannot stay loyal and seeing me everyday and night he'll be bored. If I found a lover, I will allow him to go out and play around.. The condition is he does not bring it home or don't tell me about it, of course it applies to me as well...

The second guy said this...

2) There are 2 types of cheating... First is the not-so-obvious kind which is fuck-n-go.... For example you go out and fuck a guy, after sex then go back to your lover.. No strings attached with the guy, just sex...  Second is the obvious kind which is having a third party outside... But this third party is usually the one who screws up relationship and family, because having another person outside would be a long term thing, where you have to maintain the relationship with this third guy, lots of things will be involved and its just a matter of time before things blow up... 

No matter how much I love to disagree, I have to accept the fact that most men cheat...  90% of them cheats, out of this 90%, 65% belong to the fuck-n-go group while 25% have a third party outside...

For straight guys, they can find hooker.. For gays, they go sauna....

I know you all might disagree with what I say because (your defence) there are loyal people outside like you... But thing is, today you can assure your partner you won't fool around, but will it be both ways? Can your partner also do the same??  Words can be bent, promises can be broken.. How do you know what is true and what is not?

 Truth hurts, and people always tell me.. Well Jerry, you cannot prevent these things from happening, sometimes it is ok to close one eye, even if you know the truth...

I don't have a conclusion yet.... I just don't know how to accept it if my lover fucks around behind me... I understand what I said above is true...

Then let me ask.. What is love? What's the point of trusting? What is there to believe?

I'm a man too, a man can come up with too many excuses to defend themselves...  The saddest thing is, unless you can come up with a very strong evidence that your lover had cheated on you (like how Beta had cam sex with another guy), else they will not admit it...

Sigh, what a cruel world...

The past and the trust...

I'm feeling slightly better now, compare to few days ago...

Does the past of one matters?

The answer is, yes it does...   I'll tell you why...

Just say if today, the prime minister had a very shameful act of himself when he was young, if that news for some reason leaked on the internet, will he still be the prime minister? No he won't... Because he is the role model of everyone, a scared past would jeopardise everything, no matter how much good deed he does...

When a person matters to you, everything matters....

The past, the present and the future of your lover is very important, when 2 person get together, they start to have commitment towards the future.. Things can only be done when they understand and accept everything about each other, that includes the past...

This "understand and accept" is called trust...

Trust builds the moment two person know each other, the past is just a reference as to what you were before.. Your partner doesn't care about your past, in other word it means, do not do it again when you are attached with him/her...

Do you know trust is so fragile? I never had any trust issues with my previous lovers or even Alpha.. It didn't even cross my mind, until Beta came into the picture...

I caught him lying a few times, and one time having cam sex with a foreign guy... It totally crushed my trust and ever since then I developed skills to become an FBI... Literally checked through his phones, facebook, skype ,everything... Until he afraid to see me now lol, so pathetic....


At that time he gave me the excuse saying "I'm too stress in this relationship, so I'm just looking for a channel to release it".. Nope, I didn't buy that... I know deep down it was not the real reason, but having suffered from a mental shock at that time, I had to buy that excuse... I have been thinking about that for quite some time now, and I finally manage to come out with a result plus justification, will be on my next post...

Just like my sauna post... The reason I explore so deep into sauna is also because of Beta.. He was a sauna worm, probably still a sauna worm.. Who goes to all saunas available in the country or even other country like Bangkok and Singapore...

He told me half of his past, and later on after he broke my trust... I then discovered the full story of his past, only to know all the shocking truth behind this man (Gay profiles, Saunas, etc)... To me everything matters, and it boils down to one word, trust...

So my advice is...Do not do anything to break your other half's trust...

Unless you are like Alpha.. Love means unconditional tolerance, then abide everything your lover do to you, including cheating... If you are like me whom they label it as "infatuation", once your trust towards your lover is gone, that's the beginning of the end...

Final advice is, never be fooled by one's behaviour or personality, because deep down, you'll never know what he is made of inside...

Moving on...

I suffered... For the past 2 weeks, I've been acting rather unusual... I have used roulette to let off my steam, resulting in losing quite a bit of money... I took 1 to 2 relaxation pill a day to make myself relax, drink at least 2 cans of beer a day, I can't focus on my job..  Basically I think I lost my will to live for that few days, my body and my soul were in 2 different places, and I'm always distracted... 

Today while I was going to work, I literally cried for fifteen minutes in the car, my first teardrops since we separated...  In my office, I can't control myself but to give Beta a call....

He answered, but we didn't talk for long.... I'm glad I called him, because I can feel that he is ready to move on, of course at a much faster pace than I do... He's simply amazing, AMAZING....

Nevermind about that, during my conversation today with him, 3 things he said (Indirectly) gave me an absolute answer that he's ready for the next guy who comes into the picture....

In a way, the 3 reasons he said actually releases my tension quite a bit...  I'm not gonna reveal what he said to me, let's just say, I think I will be able to move on, slowly but surely... 

What's next to anticipate in my life is my graduation, my birthday, my job confirmation (second job), my first Bangkok trip with Alpha next month, follow by a first Japan trip with Alpha also next year...

If you have followed my blog since the beginning, indeed Alpha is a good guy... He has been around me throughout my tough times... My final year project, my first job, my breakup with Beta, my losing moments in gambling, stress tides in my second job and the list goes on... 

Timing is everything, and the willingness to help with sincerity is all that matters (Money can't buy sincerity)... Today I can tell you Yes money is important in a relationship. But you can't throw money at someone to exchange for love, because the other guy will not find happiness.. You can live together with a poor man, yet so happy with each other around... Its the effort that matters, the one who understands you, who knows you...  Everything should be in a package, that's why I chose Alpha...

Now, except for phone contact and some remaining pictures of Beta, I only keep them for my future reference (I purposely took it from Beta, thought that I will continue my 3 person relationship story, but I gave up writing it)... Very soon he'll find himself another lover, I can only wish him all the best....

I had a bad experience this time, just like playing roulette... I hated and loved Beta, today it marked our 15 months time knowing each other...  Time flies....

And today, I finally understand why some people love each other but never meant to be together... 

那些年，我们一起追的女孩。。

What is love?

Love... Defined by Alpha is unconditional tolerance towards your other half, no matter how good or how bad that person is, expect no return from whatever you give...

Given that definition, from what I have discovered with my own experience, love only comes in 2 form..

One is one sided love and the rare one, mutual love...  Having this said, you can twist it the other way round, which is love or being loved... In a relationship, there's always a party who love the other one more, who gives more and do everything more...  Whereas the other one, is usually the one being loved (passive and spoilt), just like how Alpha loves me... I consider it, me being loved by Alpha, so I'm more passive and spoilt by Alpha...

Mutual love means both love each other that much, equal level.. Which to me is the very rare kind of love you can find nowadays...

So in my three person relationship, Alpha loves me and I love Beta.... In a way I'm in the middle of everything, I see things through inside out and I understand perfectly clear on relationship situations...

When I first started my 3 person relationship, I met up with a wise blogger friend of mine early January this year, who told me that my love for Beta is merely "Infatuation"... , That is the time when I learnt of that word and find the real meaning behind it...  Not only my friend mention this word, Alpha also said it to me recently...

Even after all the lies Beta had told me, I still try to forgive him... No matter how much Beta had hurt me in the past, I still love him... In addition, I tried so hard to understand Pieces (horoscope) in terms of their personal behaviour, what are they thinking and how they behave... I have taken away all Beta's suffering which his Ex has done to him, in return I absorbed all the pain to myself... Alpha has found a purpose from me, he found love and family which he had never felt in his life before... We are now staying together in Puchong (Yes Alpha had moved away from Klang since March 2012)...

Indeed I have suffered for 2 weeks now without Beta in the picture, I have not seen him for 9 days and tomorrow 25th is our anniversary date... Alpha has been around by my side all the time... With Alpha pouring out his unconditional love for me, trying to comfort me throughout my depression/mood swing moments, he often got himself burnt...  I felt extremely guilty and terrible to drag him down into this.. Yes I love Alpha and I still have him beside me, but losing Beta is like losing a part of me.. Every time I look at Alpha, he reminded me of Beta, every time I think about our Japan trip next Chinese New Year and Beta is not going to join us, I felt miserable...

I need time to recover myself from this bad ending, I don't want Alpha to get involved, he is innocent... Did you know the only way to recover yourself from a wounded heart is when a new person comes into your life? That person will create new memories together with you, and overwrites all your sad ones... That's the quickest and most effective way to recover from a bad experience..

In my case, I have 2 lovers to begin with, losing one of them doesn't mean I can get a replacement just like that... No, I can only endure, let go, and let time flush away my pain...


It is not easy.....

Best lie of the year

A research stated everybody lies at least 20 times a day, in one way or another... Some purpose of lies are to protect the ones they cared, while others are used to cover up themselves...

Me and Beta broke up on August 13th... But we still contact each other and go for dinner together stuffs like that.. Even though we are not together anymore but the love is still there... The moment after our break up, Beta came to know a guy through Grindr, who is kinda crazy for him... They hang out a couple of times, the guy even gave him flowers as souvenir...

Beta told me he's not into this guy, just treating him as a friend... Well, it didn't bother me much though since I can no longer control his personal life, I only take it at face value... One fine week I invited him to go exercise ( mountain climbing ) on a weekend, it's a mountain near Ketumbar Heights and he told me he never went there before...

I still remember it was Saturday, we met up in the morning and went straight to that place after breakfast... I was pretty excited because it's his first time climbing that mountain...  Beta seldom exercise, so he had a hard time climbing up the mountain, it was fun looking at him grasping for air, wiping off his sweat, the look on his face as if he wanna stop going up.. I literally encouraged him all the way "C'mon almost there, we are almost there, don give up!!"

Finally we reached the top, I made fun of him along the way, but I am happy to see him working it out...  We rest for about fifteen minutes before going down... Then Beta suggested to find another route down the mountain instead of going back down the same way... I said there's no other way down but he insisted on going another way... I didn't think about it because I every time uses the same way up and down.. Well since he asked for it I just explore another route with him...

True enough, there really is another way down the mountain... I praised him for being so clever... After that we go for lunch, then headed back to Sg Long...

While driving, we were just chit chatting, and suddenly he told me,

Beta  - Actually I climbed this mountain before, with that guy, just last week..

Me - (With the stunned reaction, duno how to respond) Wow... Not bad..

Beta - I didn't wanna tell you earlier because I don't want to ruin the mood..

Me - It makes no difference now.... 

Ouch, the impact is huge, unbearable... My heart shattered instantly.... He knew I was hurt, so he apologized all the way... I can't control myself, I broke down in tears when I went into his room...  No matter how many times he said sorry, I didn't help at all...

Few days later, I also discovered something in his computer, a folder named "A mountain climbing day"... That folder is filled with their pictures... They looked so happy together, he had to lie to me just because of one random guy from Grindr...  We didn't even take a single shot together and the path we took was exactly the same as the path he and that guy took.... It was pathetic being fooled like a dumb ass....

I don't know how to ever forget this incident...  I tried to forgive him, but everytime I sees him, there's a wave of hatred coming out from my heart...

The best part of a relationship is exploring something new together...  Because the feed back you get is usually priceless... But this time, I was the dummy all along, with him pretending to climb the mountain for the first time... And me being so hype and enthusiastic about it, I felt like I'm a joker creating all the meaningless sceneries...


Even after the incident had passed for 3 weeks, until now, it still hurts so bad..... This incident will carve a permanent scar in my heart...

Life of a gay sauna worm

I've learnt alot of things in the past 8 months, one of them is Sauna... That time when Alpha brought me to Day Thermos, that was merely just an experience to see how sauna looked like... After Beta came into the pictures, well things went beyond my expectations...

I started being curious, as to why people like to go sauna that much... Yes mainly for sex, but getting exposed at the same time, wearing just only one towel, or naked walking around the block with many other guys around, I just couldn't understand why??

With that said, I've been to all saunas around KL, Kakiku, Mandi-Manda, Studio 89 and so on... Utopia asia gay website proved to be really useful because it has all the information you need about these gay locations... From saunas to outcall massage to other country's gay location, how convenient could it be?

Sauna has been around for centuries, fresh meat like me going in is like a deer walking into a group of cheetahs... All drooling and believe me, some of them are really aggressive... They can even fuck while people are watching them...

There are so many types of people in there, from old to young, handsome to ugly... People who are addicted to sauna are called sauna worm ( sauna 精) , which my purpose is to figure out why people always go there...

So after a period of observation, I think I can come up with a list of reasons why....

1) Single.... Of course, no attachment means you are lonely, when that happens people make use of all the resources available.. Gay profiles, Grindr, Saunas and everything... With the hope to find a lover from these places.. I hope they understand the consequences of finding a guy from Saunas, because it will definitely not last....

2) Just for fun (Fuck and go)... There are people like that, who are not ready to commit, these are the real sauna worms.... To them having fun is their priority, so whenever there's fresh meat, they tend to attack viciously... These just for fun type of people usually don't look bad... Spot, aim and attack... Just like that, and they often share their "story" to their beloved gay friends... I would like to call these people jerks...

3) Open relationship... You'll get bored if you eat rice everyday, that's the worst excuse I've ever heard when people apply it to relationship... Basically this couple is attached, but they have platinum permit to go all out to fuck around, then at the end of the day, go back home and sleep together... Physically they are together but mentally, they can be everywhere, as long as at the end of the day, they have each other as a companion...

4) Broken heart.... Some gays are just too tired of getting into a serious relationship... To them they have been hurt so deeply, until a thorn has been stuck in their mind "Gays cannot be trusted, so why bother finding a lover.."  In order to keep their mind occupied, retrieving the momentarily lovey dovey moment is more than enough to indulge them and also to prevent them from thinking about their past....

5) Cheater... So gays cannot be trusted, often when you go sauna, those that goes to their own locker and check on their phones, meaning you know they are up to something... Why can't they focus on steam room or sauna and keep going into their locker to check their phone instead? Sometimes I feel that, guys are really pathetic.. Doesn't matter you are straight or gays, they still cheat behind their partner's back....

6) The Desperate and the disease spreader... Oh no, these are the people you should really be careful of... When you walk into the dark room, how can one just start playing without looking at the other guy's face....  Either he must be old/ugly/desperate, or some might even carry diseases which you cannot see the difference at all...  All I can say is, be careful....

These are the 6 main findings I have throughout my sauna experiences.... Honestly, sauna is really cheap... What? It only cost Rm 20 on weekdays , Rm 30 on weekends, for a full day all you can eat buffet...  Where else can you find these kind of cheap deals for a quick section, straight to the point sex... One gay does not go sauna just once....

Seriously, I don't know what I will become in the future... I only felt contaminated when I go to these places, but at the same time I also understand why people love to go saunas....

When I see those old people in Saunas, I felt agony, will I end up becoming like them one day? Old and alone....

Gay life.... Sad isn't it....

Discovering Roulette Part 2

I got several request from my reader to continue writing.. Well, I can not write about my relationship, instead may be some other irrelevant post about my life....

In November 2011 I discovered roulette and the pay off was extremely tempting...  On and off early this year, I was learning roulette all the way, whether in Genting or those Internet Cafes with Live Casino....  Sometimes win sometimes lose, until one day when I went up Genting, I kinda like discovered a strategy to play Roulette (something to do with how the dealer spins)...

I tested that strategy at first, won Rm 1k instantly.. Then lose Rm 1600, then win Rm 1200, lose Rm 1600, finally won Rm 1400.. So nett profit was Rm 400 for that trip... That up and down anxiety was really fun, means my strategy worked, until I had to share it with my cousin....

So I influenced him and we started going up Genting every other day last month (August)... First trip he won Rm 900, I won Rm 400....  Second trip he won Rm 1300, I lost Rm 3000...  I felt extremely miserable again ever since...  But that wasn't the end.... With that strategy I had in mind, I didn't give up...

The next trip, he lost Rm 900, I won Rm 4300.... Remarkable achievement, basically Alpha and Beta were always feeling under pressure because my stakes were getting higher... Another trip again, I lost Rm1000, he lost Rm 1300...

In two weeks time, we went up like 5 or 6 times already... The next time we went up, he lost Rm 2300, I lost Rm 5k...  On and off there were arguments with my lovers about my gambling habits, I cannot control myself when I started losing... Alpha were still confident with my strategy and he gave me hope after I lost than five thousand...

The next round I went up with Alpha, I played for 3 hours and I won Rm 6800...  I cannot imagine I come back again seriously, Alpha was literally praising me all the way "this kid is amazing"... We stayed there for a night, so the next morning I went up again just to play for fun, but ended up losing all my winnings and Alpha's money Rm 4k,...   Got scolded so badly because I duno how to control myself, didn't walk away after winning...

With all these ups and downs, suddenly I felt that money value is so small... What I worked hard for a month, can get it in few hours... I spent my money like nobody's business, food, entertainment and etc...

The last time I went up with my cousin, I lost another Rm 2k,  my cousin lost Rm 2k again... Since then we never went up again...

But I still continue playing in Internet Cafes, I had 8 days winning streak... Won back Rm 7k... One time because something happened, I lost Rm 9k in two nights...  Total net loss is more than Rm 10k....

Base on all these figures, you can see my statistics in playing roulette, whenever I am focused, I can win...
But once I get distracted, that's it for me...  Well, I'm addicted to roulette, but its just too much stress for me to handle... The amount of lost and my relationship, everything doesn't seem so smooth recently...

Alpha also stopped playing roulette because he saw how scary I can be when I'm on fire... I just want to say, if you want to gamble, try to control yourself, if you cannot control, don't play at all.. No win no lose and you will always be the winner...

In conclusion, I had to stop roulette because it is destroying me, if I continue playing I will turn into a monster (Hmm I'm already a monster) , because I cannot control myself when I lose... Now I will earn money the hard way and try to find the value of money again....

This all happened since 1st of August 2012, until 15th of September 2012...  Roulette also taught me the dark side of gambling, as in how people got involved with loan sharks and ruined their own family...

Don't believe my story? See the amount of chips I have on my hand.... That's Rm 5300, minus Rm 1000 modal, winnings Rm 4300....

It was a mistake all along

Coming back to the present...

I can't continue writing my story anymore...

Every entry I write, it hurts so bad, so bad that I'm torturing myself....

3 person relationship, after a long 8 months, has finally ended...

In the end, I chose to be with Alpha....

Lots and lots of things happened during this 8 months... December 13th 2011, I broke up with Alpha... August  13th 2012, I broke up with Beta...

I gave true love my all, to Beta... But truth hurts, even though I have failed, I will not regret my actions..

Thus my faith, my believe in love had shattered.... When love fails, you can only go back to reality, The World...

I kinda wrote this on my own....

Love only brings pain... In the end you'll know, all that's left were memories... That had cost your money, effort, time and brain juice... 

It's like a flower.. the blooming stage is always the prettiest , until it started dying.


I need to let things go.... I have to let it go... 1 year of heartache is more than enough for me to bear, my actions lead to my consequences today, and I will take every responsibility on my shoulder...

It's time for me to put my pen down... Perhaps in future, when I'm much wiser and mature, I will continue writing my story...  Well at least, I had a hell of an experience, in year 2012....

Signing off,

Jerry

An unexpected turn out.....

The next day, I'm still feeling down because letting go of Alpha wasn't easy, I had to make to choice, even though I still have feelings for him... It's unbearable to hide to him about Beta, which was the third party...

Somehow in the afternoon, he gave me a call again, this time he asked the right question... Alpha wasn't satisfied with my break up reasons and he wanted to get to the bottom of it...  He asked..

Alpha - Jerry, can you tell me honestly, is there a third party in the picture?

Me - I hesitated for quite a while, before I finally admit it... 

Alpha - Oh ok, at least now I can let it go because I finally know the answer...

I felt relieved, and glad in a way because I told him the truth... I can finally move on with Beta...

Later that night, Beta dropped by my house again, that night he was carrying a roll of paper.. I asked him what's that?  He pushed me upstairs and showed it to me... It was a Bangkok trip for 6 days 5 nights in Silom, hotel and flight fully paid...  

He wanted to gave me a surprise, I was shocked definitely.. At the same time didn't know how to react, I just gave him a very blur look...  That was my first time ever going on a trip with my lover, in a way I was happy but I failed to express my happiness.... Beta got disappointed because the look on my face showed as if I'm not keen on going... Well, not that, I prefer to say that the surprise came at the wrong timing...

While we were talking about the Bangkok trip, suddenly I received a text from Alpha.. "Baby, can you give me a second chance? I don't care if you have the third party, can you just take me back please" 

I showed Beta the message, asked his opinion...  How??    Warning him at the same time that if he agreed on giving Alpha a second chance means, it will be a 3 person relationship...  Somehow Beta nodded...

Few days later, my mom send me a text message saying "Dear, no matter what happened to you, you will always be my son... "    She had a few rough nights, but after my aunt's constant comfort, convinced her that being gay is ok, she kinda like accepted it...

All these event, were totally unexpected yet only nightmares lies ahead....

How I came out to my mother

All the while I have been sharing my updates with my aunt, she's a lesbian and to me, she was the best candidate for me to share my story with...  But on that day I broke up with Alpha itself, I don't know who to talk to... Seriously, its as if my path has suddenly darkened, because I'm afraid what lies ahead for me and Beta, I barely even know him....

The only one I can think of is my mom... Confirmed I'm gonna tell her but I just don't know how, been walking back and forth the corridor outside my office for half an hour but still couldn't find a way...  At last, I remembered a movie called "We bought a Zoo", where Matt Damon said : "All you need is 20 seconds of courage"...

Ok, so I unlocked my phone, didn't have the guts to call her, so I send her text messages instead...

Me - Mom, actually someone has been providing me money for about a year now... My phones, the car, and the reason why I'm so rich is because of this guy, and he's a doctor...

Mom - Huh? How did you know this guy, is he taking you as godson? How come he is treating you so nice?

Me - No mom, he is not my godfather, we met each other through the internet and we kinda like just broke up....

Mom - No way, don't tell me you like......... GUYS??

Me - The know that guy (Beta) that came to our house often? He is my current lover...

Mom - I really have nothing to say anymore... In an instant, all my dreams and hopes on you just shattered...

Me - Sorry to disappoint you mom, I'm just too stress that I need to share it with you...

(Around November, December Beta dropped by my house quite frequently and my mom knew about him since...)

I gave her the greatest impact of her life, not only it didn't work out, but the amount of stress on me increased... I had to turned to Beta, begging him to come over my place because I'm too stressed... He kept asking me what happened and finally I spilled it out, telling him that I broke up with Alpha...

At the same time, Alpha called back a few times, pleading that he will change for the better, will spend more time on me and so on, but I continued turning him away...

My mom, I think she never wanted to talk to me again.... She kept sending me text messages asking me to go back the normal path, I can only reason with her, telling her that I cannot change anymore because I have no feelings towards woman....

Basically, its like the worst turn out ever, till I can't imagine what's going to happen from that day onwards... Beta dropped by my house that night, came and comfort me, at the same time he managed to gave me the assurance that he will take care of me... In a way I'm relieved, he manage to draw a mini smile on my face...

The next day, a huge twist occur in my relationship again...

Beta and Alpha both gave me a surprise....

Breaking up with Alpha

After my Genting trip with Alpha, things weren't going so well between me and Beta any longer....  He knew this path wasn't the right path to choose since the very beginning, but he failed to realize that its too late for him to withdraw then because I love him too much till I can't let him go...

I had a fine talk with Beta, reassuring him that I will break up with Alpha one day in December...  Well, deep down he was happy, anticipating but he didn't want to voice it out, because it'll make him look like the culprit (third party)...

All the while Beta's stand was :

1) Money can't buy love
2) I'm with Alpha solely because of money....
3) Even without money, me and him can live happily...

I took all of them into consideration, and figure a way out to break up with Alpha... Which was to treat him cold, reluctant to have sex with him, kept making excuses, let Alpha notice the change in me, then suggest the break up... (I can't figure out a better idea than this, not that I don't love Alpha anymore, but I had to make a choice)

The ignorance lasted for about 2 weeks, until December 11th (Saturday) we stayed in SS2 hotel, when we were having sex, I complained that his genitals were smelly, and I didn't hug him at all when we were sleeping... That bothered him for a while...

2 days later, Alpha finally decided to break the ice and asked me about my sudden change in behaviour...

Alpha - Baby, I see you have been treating me kinda cold lately, is something bothering you?
Me - You know, I think the feeling is not there already...
Alpha - What do you mean? Means you don't love me anymore?
Me - Yeah, I didn't know how to say this to you, but I don't love you anymore...
Alpha - So you want to break up with me?
Me - I'm sorry but, yes.
Alpha - Can I just ask why?
Me - I don't know, I can always talk to you, but I cannot be with you....
Alpha - Ok, very well then... Then I wish you all the best...
Me - Can I give you back all your money in the bank? I can't keep your money...
Alpha - Don't worry about the money, its yours, take and use it wisely...  I'll always love you and if you ever need anything in the future, just give me a call and I will try to help...
Me - Ok... Sorry and take care....

This conversation gave Alpha a huge surprise because a day before he thought everything was still normal.... He called and talked to me for a while just to make sure he was not dreaming... After I confirmed my decision, I felt extremely stressed...

Suddenly I felt so lost that I didn't know what to do anymore... Literally chaining my cigarette all the way outside my office...

I was holding my phone and at that moment, I really needed someone to talk to....  Not Beta, dunno why I just don't want him to know I broke up with Alpha...

So one person came up to my mind, that person is my Mom....


Next : How I came out to my mom.....

Discovering Roulette Part 1

It was around middle of November, where my sub-contractor hosted a trip to Genting for 2 days 1 night, to have some fun in Casino... There were 4 of us going up, sleeping in one deluxe room... Before that I went to Casino a few times, but I'm just a small time gambler, maximum lose Rm 200-300 I'll walk away....

I still remember it was a Saturday, we reached Genting in the evening, after having dinner we went inside Casino... Both my lovers did not follow me on that trip... So, having quite a bit of money in my savings account, I decided to take out Rm 500 to play.. That time the hot game was Progressive Texas Hol'em, even though minimum bet was Rm 25, I lost about Rm 1000 that night...  Rough day for me.... So I thought "May be I'm not so lucky today, I'll try again tomoro"...

The next day, we went up again... Tried another Rm 500, lost also... I withdrew a last Rm 500 to play, basically I'm dumbfounded already because Rm 1500 was too much for me to bear yet I still couldn't control myself...  I followed my friend because he was winning, and he's playing roulette... The odds were 1:36, meaning you strike Rm 1, you get Rm 36... Mischievously I bet a few round and ended up losing everything... Net loss was Rm 2000, stunned and regretted, since then I told myself not to gamble again.. On the other hand, my interest in roulette grew...

Whenever it comes to money problem, the first one I'll run to is Alpha... Whining over the money I lost and he advised me to stop gambling...  A week later, we went up to Genting again for weekend relax trip... We went into casino to look around despite saying not to gamble anymore, later on I couldn't control myself and begged Alpha to allow me to play Rm 100... I exchanged to 4 Rm 25 chips, bet on 3 numbers... I asked Alpha to give me one special number, he gave me number 18... Luckily we stroked on number 18 and I got Rm 900 instantly... That was the biggest win I had in my life, and we had the happiest time up there, possibly the last trip I had with Alpha....

I was so delighted till I had to share the news with Beta.. He felt my joy but  deep down he was so jealous of Alpha... He knew he couldn't take this underground relationship much longer, for a few weeks I've told him that I will break up with  Alpha, but it seemed like he got impatient and don't want to drag on this relationship any longer...

I couldn't focus on my job, feeling stressed mentality because I love Beta so much yet I don't want to break up with Alpha... I knew this day would come ...



Finally, I made my decision to break up with Alpha on December 13th 2011.....

Beta feeling inferior

Later after my birthday party, I came to know that Beta has bought a house in Bandar Sungai Long.. That house was bought when Beta's brother was still around... The house already handed over to him during October and he expected to move in at the end of the year because the house was still very empty.. Needed to shop for furnitures, cabinets and so on...  Coincidentally, my family also bought a house in Cheras Zen, expected to move there roughly at the end of the year too...

I don't really bother much about my family's new place, on the other hand I'm very excited about Beta's new house because I was looking forward to sleep with him again... Ever since the 2 weeks stayed over at his place, we never stayed over night since then because Beta's mother is afraid to be alone.... Basically I can't go over, and he cannot come over...

Sometimes Beta will go to his new house just to shift things over, or arrange the design with contractor, I would follow along...  Every now and then we will go and shop for furnitures together, as if that house has became ours.... I even had the audacity to buy him a queen size bed worth Rm 1000, given to him as an early Christmas Gift, perhaps a new house gift, just to lighten up his burden a little...  (To come up with that 1000 wasn't so hard for me, I literally took some money from Alpha's pocket-money saving accounts and put it back within 2 months...)

Sweetest thing he said to me was, he will never let anyone sleep on that bed except for me....

Meanwhile, on Alpha's side... Despite the fire between me and Beta were growing so fast, I had to pretend all normal in front of Alpha... The overwhelming love for Beta, spilled out and poured over to Alpha... That is how I learned how to treat Alpha better, more lovingly in the sense...  I knew I can't cover this thing forever, so one day I decided to hint hint Alpha a little about my third party in a not so serious manner....

Me : Dear, what if one day I fell in love with another guy, say one of my boy boy?

Alpha : Wa, then you must bring him to me and show me how he looked like, whether cute anot...

Me : Show you for what?

Alpha : Because if I like that boy, then we can be together lo.. Threesome...

Me : You kidding right, the boy won't like you one la?

Alpha : Nvm lo, I become his sugardaddy.. That would be fun, we can even have orgy together...

Of course Alpha was joking, but for him to say that, in a way I was kind of relieved to know that he can actually accept this thing if I opened up to him...

Unfortunately, things didn't go according like what I expected... I showed the conversation between me and Alpha to Beta... Beta's face expression changed instantly, after he read the message, he passed back my phone and said  "Orgy?? Who the hell you think I am? A slut?  Go eat shit la you!!"

Again, I was stunned by his vulgar manner, it was so hard to swallow... Until I didn't talk to him for a few days... He tried to comfort me, but in a different tone this time... He told me the truth that he started falling in love with me and he's afraid to go further, in addition he cannot fulfil my desires in materials or lifestyle... Every weekend I go over Alpha's place to stay, he missed me alot...  The list went on and on...

Many times I stressed to him that I am not money minded and I can earn my own money to spend... But he always like to see me as a sugar boy... Who needs to depend on Alpha's cash...

This had became an issue because I cannot contain Beta much longer... For the time being, I tried to push the issue aside, ignoring it and just see how it goes from there...

Middle of November, I had a trip to Genting with my colleagues... This was the trip where I learned an extremely unhealthy game... Roulette....

Coming up next...

My 23rd Birthday

Sorry for the few days delay, I caught up with some unexpected event in life and got myself into quite a bit of a mess... Will mention about this in future posts....

So, hitting the age of 23, I just wanted to feel alive again with all my friends, 2 lovers and most importantly I'm back to KL... In conjunction with that I planned to celebrate it with a home party where I invited most of my family members and my boys... 

Well, not that kind of fancy party where you have music playing on the background and alcohol everywhere.. Its more like a reunion amongst family members and my friends... The party was made up of small buffet with simple food and a little bit of beer to cheer up the mood... The birthday party went quite well and I received a few gifts...

My 2 lovers weren't able to attend because I haven introduced them to my family members at all, even though Beta would be more convenient to bring him into my party due to his age, but he is an introvert who does not like to social with strangers....

Nonetheless, the gifts....

Alpha bought me an Angry Birds Lego set... Actually he already bought me a Galaxy Note a month ago before my birthday arrived, claiming it was my early birthday gift.. Still the next day after my birthday, he was sweet enough to get me an Angry Bird Lego set with very nice paper wrapping... I was really crazy about Angry Birds that time and I got 3 stars in all stages, even those new released one... 

Beta didn't attend the party, but he did drop by for a moment to deliver me his birthday gift as well... He gave me a Hugo Boss perfume... His physical presence made my day, even just for a short while.. I managed to hug and kiss him before he went home...

In addition, I got 2 Giordano T-shirts and a few Ang pau from my family and boys... It was truly memorable..

Last but not least, before I blew my birthday cake, I made a simple and stupid wish... I wish that I can have both Alpha and Beta as my lover...

This pic was taken during my birthday last year... Look how much we have grown...

Of course I had no expectation or whatsoever about that wish since not all wish come true... Somehow after my birthday, Beta gradually changed...  Entering the month of November 2011....

One day, Beta suggested to stop our relationship.....