It was a mistake all along

Coming back to the present...

I can't continue writing my story anymore...

Every entry I write, it hurts so bad, so bad that I'm torturing myself....

3 person relationship, after a long 8 months, has finally ended...

In the end, I chose to be with Alpha....

Lots and lots of things happened during this 8 months... December 13th 2011, I broke up with Alpha... August  13th 2012, I broke up with Beta...

I gave true love my all, to Beta... But truth hurts, even though I have failed, I will not regret my actions..

Thus my faith, my believe in love had shattered.... When love fails, you can only go back to reality, The World...

I kinda wrote this on my own....

Love only brings pain... In the end you'll know, all that's left were memories... That had cost your money, effort, time and brain juice... 

It's like a flower.. the blooming stage is always the prettiest , until it started dying.


I need to let things go.... I have to let it go... 1 year of heartache is more than enough for me to bear, my actions lead to my consequences today, and I will take every responsibility on my shoulder...

It's time for me to put my pen down... Perhaps in future, when I'm much wiser and mature, I will continue writing my story...  Well at least, I had a hell of an experience, in year 2012....

Signing off,

Jerry

An unexpected turn out.....

The next day, I'm still feeling down because letting go of Alpha wasn't easy, I had to make to choice, even though I still have feelings for him... It's unbearable to hide to him about Beta, which was the third party...

Somehow in the afternoon, he gave me a call again, this time he asked the right question... Alpha wasn't satisfied with my break up reasons and he wanted to get to the bottom of it...  He asked..

Alpha - Jerry, can you tell me honestly, is there a third party in the picture?

Me - I hesitated for quite a while, before I finally admit it... 

Alpha - Oh ok, at least now I can let it go because I finally know the answer...

I felt relieved, and glad in a way because I told him the truth... I can finally move on with Beta...

Later that night, Beta dropped by my house again, that night he was carrying a roll of paper.. I asked him what's that?  He pushed me upstairs and showed it to me... It was a Bangkok trip for 6 days 5 nights in Silom, hotel and flight fully paid...  

He wanted to gave me a surprise, I was shocked definitely.. At the same time didn't know how to react, I just gave him a very blur look...  That was my first time ever going on a trip with my lover, in a way I was happy but I failed to express my happiness.... Beta got disappointed because the look on my face showed as if I'm not keen on going... Well, not that, I prefer to say that the surprise came at the wrong timing...

While we were talking about the Bangkok trip, suddenly I received a text from Alpha.. "Baby, can you give me a second chance? I don't care if you have the third party, can you just take me back please" 

I showed Beta the message, asked his opinion...  How??    Warning him at the same time that if he agreed on giving Alpha a second chance means, it will be a 3 person relationship...  Somehow Beta nodded...

Few days later, my mom send me a text message saying "Dear, no matter what happened to you, you will always be my son... "    She had a few rough nights, but after my aunt's constant comfort, convinced her that being gay is ok, she kinda like accepted it...

All these event, were totally unexpected yet only nightmares lies ahead....

How I came out to my mother

All the while I have been sharing my updates with my aunt, she's a lesbian and to me, she was the best candidate for me to share my story with...  But on that day I broke up with Alpha itself, I don't know who to talk to... Seriously, its as if my path has suddenly darkened, because I'm afraid what lies ahead for me and Beta, I barely even know him....

The only one I can think of is my mom... Confirmed I'm gonna tell her but I just don't know how, been walking back and forth the corridor outside my office for half an hour but still couldn't find a way...  At last, I remembered a movie called "We bought a Zoo", where Matt Damon said : "All you need is 20 seconds of courage"...

Ok, so I unlocked my phone, didn't have the guts to call her, so I send her text messages instead...

Me - Mom, actually someone has been providing me money for about a year now... My phones, the car, and the reason why I'm so rich is because of this guy, and he's a doctor...

Mom - Huh? How did you know this guy, is he taking you as godson? How come he is treating you so nice?

Me - No mom, he is not my godfather, we met each other through the internet and we kinda like just broke up....

Mom - No way, don't tell me you like......... GUYS??

Me - The know that guy (Beta) that came to our house often? He is my current lover...

Mom - I really have nothing to say anymore... In an instant, all my dreams and hopes on you just shattered...

Me - Sorry to disappoint you mom, I'm just too stress that I need to share it with you...

(Around November, December Beta dropped by my house quite frequently and my mom knew about him since...)

I gave her the greatest impact of her life, not only it didn't work out, but the amount of stress on me increased... I had to turned to Beta, begging him to come over my place because I'm too stressed... He kept asking me what happened and finally I spilled it out, telling him that I broke up with Alpha...

At the same time, Alpha called back a few times, pleading that he will change for the better, will spend more time on me and so on, but I continued turning him away...

My mom, I think she never wanted to talk to me again.... She kept sending me text messages asking me to go back the normal path, I can only reason with her, telling her that I cannot change anymore because I have no feelings towards woman....

Basically, its like the worst turn out ever, till I can't imagine what's going to happen from that day onwards... Beta dropped by my house that night, came and comfort me, at the same time he managed to gave me the assurance that he will take care of me... In a way I'm relieved, he manage to draw a mini smile on my face...

The next day, a huge twist occur in my relationship again...

Beta and Alpha both gave me a surprise....

Breaking up with Alpha

After my Genting trip with Alpha, things weren't going so well between me and Beta any longer....  He knew this path wasn't the right path to choose since the very beginning, but he failed to realize that its too late for him to withdraw then because I love him too much till I can't let him go...

I had a fine talk with Beta, reassuring him that I will break up with Alpha one day in December...  Well, deep down he was happy, anticipating but he didn't want to voice it out, because it'll make him look like the culprit (third party)...

All the while Beta's stand was :

1) Money can't buy love
2) I'm with Alpha solely because of money....
3) Even without money, me and him can live happily...

I took all of them into consideration, and figure a way out to break up with Alpha... Which was to treat him cold, reluctant to have sex with him, kept making excuses, let Alpha notice the change in me, then suggest the break up... (I can't figure out a better idea than this, not that I don't love Alpha anymore, but I had to make a choice)

The ignorance lasted for about 2 weeks, until December 11th (Saturday) we stayed in SS2 hotel, when we were having sex, I complained that his genitals were smelly, and I didn't hug him at all when we were sleeping... That bothered him for a while...

2 days later, Alpha finally decided to break the ice and asked me about my sudden change in behaviour...

Alpha - Baby, I see you have been treating me kinda cold lately, is something bothering you?
Me - You know, I think the feeling is not there already...
Alpha - What do you mean? Means you don't love me anymore?
Me - Yeah, I didn't know how to say this to you, but I don't love you anymore...
Alpha - So you want to break up with me?
Me - I'm sorry but, yes.
Alpha - Can I just ask why?
Me - I don't know, I can always talk to you, but I cannot be with you....
Alpha - Ok, very well then... Then I wish you all the best...
Me - Can I give you back all your money in the bank? I can't keep your money...
Alpha - Don't worry about the money, its yours, take and use it wisely...  I'll always love you and if you ever need anything in the future, just give me a call and I will try to help...
Me - Ok... Sorry and take care....

This conversation gave Alpha a huge surprise because a day before he thought everything was still normal.... He called and talked to me for a while just to make sure he was not dreaming... After I confirmed my decision, I felt extremely stressed...

Suddenly I felt so lost that I didn't know what to do anymore... Literally chaining my cigarette all the way outside my office...

I was holding my phone and at that moment, I really needed someone to talk to....  Not Beta, dunno why I just don't want him to know I broke up with Alpha...

So one person came up to my mind, that person is my Mom....


Next : How I came out to my mom.....

Discovering Roulette Part 1

It was around middle of November, where my sub-contractor hosted a trip to Genting for 2 days 1 night, to have some fun in Casino... There were 4 of us going up, sleeping in one deluxe room... Before that I went to Casino a few times, but I'm just a small time gambler, maximum lose Rm 200-300 I'll walk away....

I still remember it was a Saturday, we reached Genting in the evening, after having dinner we went inside Casino... Both my lovers did not follow me on that trip... So, having quite a bit of money in my savings account, I decided to take out Rm 500 to play.. That time the hot game was Progressive Texas Hol'em, even though minimum bet was Rm 25, I lost about Rm 1000 that night...  Rough day for me.... So I thought "May be I'm not so lucky today, I'll try again tomoro"...

The next day, we went up again... Tried another Rm 500, lost also... I withdrew a last Rm 500 to play, basically I'm dumbfounded already because Rm 1500 was too much for me to bear yet I still couldn't control myself...  I followed my friend because he was winning, and he's playing roulette... The odds were 1:36, meaning you strike Rm 1, you get Rm 36... Mischievously I bet a few round and ended up losing everything... Net loss was Rm 2000, stunned and regretted, since then I told myself not to gamble again.. On the other hand, my interest in roulette grew...

Whenever it comes to money problem, the first one I'll run to is Alpha... Whining over the money I lost and he advised me to stop gambling...  A week later, we went up to Genting again for weekend relax trip... We went into casino to look around despite saying not to gamble anymore, later on I couldn't control myself and begged Alpha to allow me to play Rm 100... I exchanged to 4 Rm 25 chips, bet on 3 numbers... I asked Alpha to give me one special number, he gave me number 18... Luckily we stroked on number 18 and I got Rm 900 instantly... That was the biggest win I had in my life, and we had the happiest time up there, possibly the last trip I had with Alpha....

I was so delighted till I had to share the news with Beta.. He felt my joy but  deep down he was so jealous of Alpha... He knew he couldn't take this underground relationship much longer, for a few weeks I've told him that I will break up with  Alpha, but it seemed like he got impatient and don't want to drag on this relationship any longer...

I couldn't focus on my job, feeling stressed mentality because I love Beta so much yet I don't want to break up with Alpha... I knew this day would come ...



Finally, I made my decision to break up with Alpha on December 13th 2011.....

Beta feeling inferior

Later after my birthday party, I came to know that Beta has bought a house in Bandar Sungai Long.. That house was bought when Beta's brother was still around... The house already handed over to him during October and he expected to move in at the end of the year because the house was still very empty.. Needed to shop for furnitures, cabinets and so on...  Coincidentally, my family also bought a house in Cheras Zen, expected to move there roughly at the end of the year too...

I don't really bother much about my family's new place, on the other hand I'm very excited about Beta's new house because I was looking forward to sleep with him again... Ever since the 2 weeks stayed over at his place, we never stayed over night since then because Beta's mother is afraid to be alone.... Basically I can't go over, and he cannot come over...

Sometimes Beta will go to his new house just to shift things over, or arrange the design with contractor, I would follow along...  Every now and then we will go and shop for furnitures together, as if that house has became ours.... I even had the audacity to buy him a queen size bed worth Rm 1000, given to him as an early Christmas Gift, perhaps a new house gift, just to lighten up his burden a little...  (To come up with that 1000 wasn't so hard for me, I literally took some money from Alpha's pocket-money saving accounts and put it back within 2 months...)

Sweetest thing he said to me was, he will never let anyone sleep on that bed except for me....

Meanwhile, on Alpha's side... Despite the fire between me and Beta were growing so fast, I had to pretend all normal in front of Alpha... The overwhelming love for Beta, spilled out and poured over to Alpha... That is how I learned how to treat Alpha better, more lovingly in the sense...  I knew I can't cover this thing forever, so one day I decided to hint hint Alpha a little about my third party in a not so serious manner....

Me : Dear, what if one day I fell in love with another guy, say one of my boy boy?

Alpha : Wa, then you must bring him to me and show me how he looked like, whether cute anot...

Me : Show you for what?

Alpha : Because if I like that boy, then we can be together lo.. Threesome...

Me : You kidding right, the boy won't like you one la?

Alpha : Nvm lo, I become his sugardaddy.. That would be fun, we can even have orgy together...

Of course Alpha was joking, but for him to say that, in a way I was kind of relieved to know that he can actually accept this thing if I opened up to him...

Unfortunately, things didn't go according like what I expected... I showed the conversation between me and Alpha to Beta... Beta's face expression changed instantly, after he read the message, he passed back my phone and said  "Orgy?? Who the hell you think I am? A slut?  Go eat shit la you!!"

Again, I was stunned by his vulgar manner, it was so hard to swallow... Until I didn't talk to him for a few days... He tried to comfort me, but in a different tone this time... He told me the truth that he started falling in love with me and he's afraid to go further, in addition he cannot fulfil my desires in materials or lifestyle... Every weekend I go over Alpha's place to stay, he missed me alot...  The list went on and on...

Many times I stressed to him that I am not money minded and I can earn my own money to spend... But he always like to see me as a sugar boy... Who needs to depend on Alpha's cash...

This had became an issue because I cannot contain Beta much longer... For the time being, I tried to push the issue aside, ignoring it and just see how it goes from there...

Middle of November, I had a trip to Genting with my colleagues... This was the trip where I learned an extremely unhealthy game... Roulette....

Coming up next...

My 23rd Birthday

Sorry for the few days delay, I caught up with some unexpected event in life and got myself into quite a bit of a mess... Will mention about this in future posts....

So, hitting the age of 23, I just wanted to feel alive again with all my friends, 2 lovers and most importantly I'm back to KL... In conjunction with that I planned to celebrate it with a home party where I invited most of my family members and my boys... 

Well, not that kind of fancy party where you have music playing on the background and alcohol everywhere.. Its more like a reunion amongst family members and my friends... The party was made up of small buffet with simple food and a little bit of beer to cheer up the mood... The birthday party went quite well and I received a few gifts...

My 2 lovers weren't able to attend because I haven introduced them to my family members at all, even though Beta would be more convenient to bring him into my party due to his age, but he is an introvert who does not like to social with strangers....

Nonetheless, the gifts....

Alpha bought me an Angry Birds Lego set... Actually he already bought me a Galaxy Note a month ago before my birthday arrived, claiming it was my early birthday gift.. Still the next day after my birthday, he was sweet enough to get me an Angry Bird Lego set with very nice paper wrapping... I was really crazy about Angry Birds that time and I got 3 stars in all stages, even those new released one... 

Beta didn't attend the party, but he did drop by for a moment to deliver me his birthday gift as well... He gave me a Hugo Boss perfume... His physical presence made my day, even just for a short while.. I managed to hug and kiss him before he went home...

In addition, I got 2 Giordano T-shirts and a few Ang pau from my family and boys... It was truly memorable..

Last but not least, before I blew my birthday cake, I made a simple and stupid wish... I wish that I can have both Alpha and Beta as my lover...

This pic was taken during my birthday last year... Look how much we have grown...

Of course I had no expectation or whatsoever about that wish since not all wish come true... Somehow after my birthday, Beta gradually changed...  Entering the month of November 2011....

One day, Beta suggested to stop our relationship.....